About Time

Another dawn in a high - tech era. My minds have been crumpled into their own labyrinth and yet there have been laying several empty fences around it. I am sitting in one famous coffee shop in a very touristic city. Many thoughts are filling up the labyrinth and yet none of them actually is forcing me to contemplate further. One thing that I have been noticing lately; I have my body with me but my mind is somewhere else. My body is inside of the labyrinth and my mind is outside of the fences. The next second my memory brought me up to yesterday night. A night that I supposedly still remember, a night to realize that Taylor Swift's song is somewhat real; everything has changed. 

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20 December 2013

"So, what are you up to, eh?" Nye asked me a question, straight from her eyes. 

"Haha, what do you mean? Just life, I guess," I answered her question with my typical words; shallow and half-joking. 

"Shut up Anna! Hahaha, I am deadly serious you know?" She pretended like she was mad, but I knew she was not. 

"Well, I bumped into my ex yesterday. We had a chat in one of fine afternoon and it was quite vibrant," I started the real answer, I hoped she knew I was also being deadly serious. 

I looked at her more deeply. I looked her in her eyes, something has shifted through her day I thought. She must have had bad coffee or bad marks or anything else. Nye looked so tired. Even her smile was fake like Barbie capturing Ken's attention. 

There was a long pause. It was very long one. I could have counted how many minutes the pause was. 

"Wow, that's fantastic! Are you planning to hook up with him again or something?"she opened up another question in our conversation. Playing it safe, she was being her to bring up the possibility of me with my uncertain future with any guy that I have met in my life. 

"Hahaha, nah. Just, wait and see. You know me, I don't wanna be in a rush. I am not that woman who suffers from cancer and will die tomorrow you know?" I winked and smiled at her. 

It's just my style. If there is a darkness in my friends' lives, I try to cheer them up by putting several jokes; uncanny jokes, bad jokes, romantic jokes (I don't even know if this actually exists) and just regular jokes. Good thing is my friends are happy about it. My sometimes-bad-jokes are sometimes-the-highlights-of-their-day. 

"Obviously not. You are just that happy girl in a happy world. Sometimes think your mom should have named you Alice instead of Anna. You are just like Alice in Wonderland. I wish I had a life like yours," she smiled after she pondered me with her words.

"No, you don't. My life is just that life. Hey, what's up with the gloomy face by the way?"I maneuvered the conversation; I addressed a question. 

 She was quite. More quite than usual. She thought twice after I asked her the question. It seemed like she had an issue. I could have guessed. But, I guess it wouldn't be fair to guess after addressing somebody a question. 

"Umm, it's me and my boyfriend. I think sometimes I wanna give up on us. Like he's been very different lately and so have I. Between us, it's just... hard to tell anymore. But, somehow it makes me comfortable with our connection. I mean, he is not what he used to be and I am not like what I used to be. But, at some points the less complex our relation, the better it feels. It's like I don't worry about things anymore. I mean, I give a darn of what he's doing and stuffs. But, I don't name 'drama' to make this relationship becoming more unique. We take it really slow and somehow I feel the neat. He could just text me in the middle of the night; asking me to go out, getting some fresh air and I'd say yes. You know what, the old Steve wouldn't do that. He'd say 'where are we going, what's after this, are you sure it's hundred percent good' and other sort of things. I love this, it's like I have known him forever and I don't have to complicate things to even get to know him deeper," Nye was shut after her long sort of speech answer. I was amazed. She must've held that urge to tell the whole stories. I am glad she's done it and I believe she had a very great relief afterwards. 

"That was a very inspiring and yet brilliant words choice to tell me what have you been up to Nye,"

I put a pause after giving her compliments, to ensure that she got my attention. 

She looked at my face, seeking for the next words and realized that I put a puzzles, so the story can be more interesting. She knew I am pretty good at giving advice. It's been like that in the neighborhood and sisterhood; I am the doctor of melodramatic stories, the problem solver, and the psychic. 

"Well, do you understand what happened Nye?" I flipped the expectation that she might had with giving her further question. She shook her head, just like what I estimated. 

"Time, Nye. It's all about 'time',"

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20 December 2011

"And then what? What do you want?" I did not have the full pictures of what happened but the next thing I remembered was he was slapped by me. 

"I don't know. Just take it easy with us. Take it slow," he looked at me in my eyes, I knew he was serious and yet I dislike his answer, his reaction was burning my emotion even further. 

"I just don't get you. I don't get man. Whatever. If you want me, then be serious and create 'us'!" I looked at him half delirious, I didn't even know what I was telling him about. He looked at me oblivious, he gasped, he held my hands, let go and left. 

I cried like a baby being left by a mother. I thought I could not continue my life anymore. I thought with us being over equals to me being a failure. 

"Nye, I loved him so much, I have sacrificed anything you know. And look at that evil. He just left like that. Has he thought how much I cared about him?" I called Nye as if she could glue my broken relationship with Adam. 

 "Anna, you should know that I have been wanting a relationship. And yet, I haven't had a great one. Now, I am like suing anybody who shows up. You are lucky, you have felt this one. Unintended and yet very deep. I know you adore this guy so much, Anna. But, you have always told me to be tough. To prepare before the worsts. This is it, just be realistic, maybe he is not meant to be for you," her words slapped my heart. She was right, but somehow we were perfect match. There was barely flaw in our togetherness. Even though there was one, it was a very fun flaw.

"Nye, I somehow believe that he loves me. But, he is just very easy, he takes it very slow. He hasn't seen how much I have given and yet he has not ready to reply everything. He knew what I wanted, but he is unsure of his feeling anyway. Hopefully, somehow, someday he'd know how I feel," I closed that night's sad story session via telephone. We were not okay. Me and Nye were not okay, we felt insecure and yet it was quite immature. We were just two silly kids at that time; fantasizing perfect relationship and picturing prince to come and propose us for royal wedding. 

Time heals, time reveals, time keep things real. What have you seen in the mirror a year ago might turn into something different in the same mirror a year later. Although, everything has changed, but keep in mind, they are changed for reasons and out of reasons. Maybe it's not about you and your characters overall. Maybe it's about 'time'.

Yogyakarta, it is another rainy day of December 2013.